When this topic was visited several months ago I was feeling pretty optimistic about aging and basically still do. Yet a several events have occurred since then that make me quake. I am unsure if they are mere coincidences or are symbolic of the aging process.
The first was the result of a conversation with a friend twenty years my junior. She asked if I had a sense of authority based on the ways younger people deferred to me. Did I sense that my age suggested that others assumed some sort of experiential knowledge that they would not challenge? I had never considered this at all…until she asked. Now I see it (in reality or in my imagination) regularly.
I really never spent any time thinking that my age gave me any office or that it required any undue respect. Yet now I see why she asked the question and find myself on occasion having to coax stronger opinions out of younger friends; I have to encourage people to challenge what I estimate in a discussion.
About a month ago while taking my exercise walk from my Light Rail stop for the mile it takes to get to work, I tripped and made a pratfall in the middle of Charles Street. What transpired was that several people ran to my aid (a good thing) and my painful collision with the blacktop included some pretty severe scrapes. It really was not the pain that bothered me; it was the blow to my pride. Not only is being the center of attention during these moments unsettling but the fact that I did not recover from the stumble before kissing pavement made me shudder. I have stumbled and tripped many times over the years. The streets of downtown Baltimore are like frozen waves. They sink and swell unevenly. I had to wonder if that fall would have happened to the 25 year old me or the 40 year old me. I wondered if it was a sign of slower reflexes.
It was a little dreamlike too. When I landed I had two odd notions in my mind. I wanted to cry. It was like I wished my mother was there to comfort me. I also didn’t want to get up. I wanted to just lie there. Being in the middle of a busy intersection though, did not offer that option.
Then as I reported a few weeks ago was my first car accident. I already mentioned the thought processes that went on. What has occurred since though again haunts me with the notion that were I younger I could have avoided the accident. There may be nothing to that notion yet it continues to crop up in my mind.
It is true that I was about as carefree as possible that pre-morning. Despite the fact that I was driving 70ish on an unlit road during deer mating season, I was oblivious. That has nothing to do with age but my inability to control the car sticks with me.
Anyway those are some further thoughts on aging.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Another season and a half whizzed by
Here is a mid fall update. I see I missed summer all together. The garden updates took its place. Briefly, summer was pretty uneventful. The temperatures were milder than average and we got decent amount of rain. I didn't go anywhere except many birding day trips.
I think I enjoy fall the most of all the seasons. There is the transitional weather that soars and swoops one day bluster the next one summer like. There is the changing colors and the bird migration. My back yard fills with eccentrics stopping by for a bite as they prep for the warmer climes of the south. I like the smells of wet leaves and mud.
This fall has provided an added feature that is a mixed blessing so to speak. It seems that every Saturday is a rainy day. It prevents me from getting some of my yard manicure done. I still have wilting tomato vines in the garden to pull and exterior painting to do. Today (Halloween), is also the end of daylight savings time. For the next 75 or so days, I will be coming home from work in the dark.
I also had to work on Saturday and Sunday which limited time on the yard and house; there was also a Saturday of car shopping; that normally onerous task is one that I try to only experience once every 10 years or so. This most recent event was not so bad though. I bought an older Toyota and am content with that.
I try to arrange for about a two hour walk on the weekend in addition to birding saunters. The rain has interfered with that a lot too. It really doesn't matter too much as I get as much exercise as I need (though I have to research good neck exercises because it seems I always have a creaky neck). Anyway life is as good as it ought to be.
During the fall I can make good use of my home office which is in the attic. I especially like it because it is large, and removed from the world. There is not much head space so I sit and read mostly. Right now I write this nearly in the dark as the windows here are few; it is another rainy Saturday too. It is pretty relaxing. I'm listening to an album by Airto Moreira (Homeless) and enjoying his South American mix of urban music and jungle sounds.
Another reason to like the fall and my attic solitude is that the microscopes are all here and the collection of insects found over the summer can be looked at intently and I can research their habits. E.O. Wilson suggested that all of us are inherently Natural Historians in our youth. Time, peers, assumed urgency, children, house payments are only a few of the things that redirect our curiosity. I am so glad to have re-discovered that curiosity during the last few years. I will never be more than an avid amateur at this but with the help of joy of discovery, writers like Fortey, Wilson or Heinrich (and many others); so many wonderful and informative web sites; and personally spending time in the midst of the natural world, I am satisfied.
Today's walk will be urban however. I am delivering goods to my daughter Hannah in Annapolis. I am spending the night there and delivering the borrowed truck back to its owner tomorrow morning. That reminds me of something else that I have rediscovered during the last few years. That is the importance of relying on friends. I spent 20 or more years trying to be as independent as possible; relying on friends only for fairly superficial things; far too often eschewing offers of assistance. It was as if availing myself on their largesse I would be somehow beholden to them. In fact I became beholden more to an empty sense of pride.
I've also come to realize the value of conversation. Simply sharing ideas with peers who may disagree with me but want to hear what I have to say as much as I want to listen to them. Good conversations way lay ideology and can get to the heart of ideas and beliefs. Years ago I stopped watching those news stations shoutfests that occur every Sunday. I have eschewed all of those Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly etc. screamers (after giving many of them several hours of my attention in order to get a feel for their ideas and styles) because they are not driven by anything but ideological propaganda. I rarely try to engage their adherents in any meaningful ways.
So there you have it, my thoughts this last day of October.
Addendum:
Here is the final story of that accident that I wrote about in early October. The saga lasted so long because well, it just did. So October 10 the accident occurred and I wrote about it. It created an outpouring of kind offers some of which I could accept and others while kind were redundant. One friend came to Pennsylvania to pick me up and deliver me to my home. Another loaned her truck for my transportation needs.
The use of the truck allowed me to travel back up to clean out the remains of my car. It also got me back and forth to the Light Rail and to go search for another car. Searching for that car was something I did not look forward to at all. It also was stalled by my having to work several late days and both days of one of those weekends that would have been devoted to finding that car.
Well, buying the car turned out to be less a horror story than it usually is for me. It took a long morning and fortunately I had a book with me to while away the dead time. So at the end of the second week of this tale, I had a car. I was anxious to return the truck but I had no time off of work to conveniently return it but my benefactor was in no hurry to have it back and so it finally was returned 3 weeks after the accident; that would be today.
Well my daughter’s mom became aware of my having this truck and that I was going to visit her daughter the same weekend that I was returning the vehicle. So she begged me to take these three 8-9 foot potted plants with me for our girl to decorate her apartment with. That seemed like a good idea until I actually did it. Plants that tall do not travel well in a pickup truck; they do less well in a 45 mile trip spent largely on the expressway; they do less well in a pounding rain. Same with me. Twice I had to get out and rearrange their spot in the truck, while it poured and I pouted.
Well the trees and I got their fine and wet and we got them to their locations with only moderate hassle and my daughter and I could go out for dinner. We enjoyed an evening of conversation along with one of her local friends. Then I went to bed at about 11pm and slept til 7am (more or less). This would be pretty close to a record for me. It continued to pour all night.
It continued to pour in the morning too but we needed coffee and we needed to walk her new Norwegian Elkhound. The dog is a fine mesh of polite and good house dog-eager to please, and youthful skittishness. The walk was wet and fine and the dog learned a bit about Annapolis. That being complete it was time to return the truck. In the pouring rain I drove the 15 miles to get it back.
We had planned to take a walk in a local park and despite the rain (it was less than “pouring” at that time). We went ahead and did that walk and returned damp but (as I was reminded, “We aren’t sugar and we will not melt”) and it was true. Once that was complete I was given a ride to the Light Rail where I waited with about one million Baltimore Ravens fans ready for their ride to the stadium. I got to my destination much quicker than I imagined and was standing in the rain at the Baltimore stop one hour earlier than my scheduled pickup.
A few hours earlier while on my park walk, we discussed whether the distance from the Light Rail stop and my home was walkable. I said that it was 4 or so miles distance was not a reasonable walk and she concurred. While I stood at the stop knowing that I would be standing for an hour I elected to try the walk. It would be about an hour anyway so while getting wet, my options were passive (sit and wait) or active (walk home). I chose active and took off. It gave me the ability to walk on the periphery of my own favorite park where I was able to see the raging stream brought on by about 36 hours of rain.
I learned a few things in this trek; things I did not see while driving the same path every day for many years. I learned that the hills, valleys and swales of the route are much easier to do while sitting in a car than when hiking. It is considerably drier in the comfort of a car than exposed to nature on foot. I learned that there are not so many sidewalks and that cars are driven far faster than necessary and that you do not get splashed when inside of a vehicle. All that really doesn’t matter because I was not going to call a cab. I was there to experience the walk home and was sort of stoically enjoying it.
One hour and 8 minutes later I was home. It was good to be there for sure but I was glad that I did the experiment in fairly harsh conditions. It was a personal thing and certainly was not noble or heroic. I have walked much harder and longer paths sans problems. I was glad to have done it anyway.
Once home I realized that the last leg of the accident saga was over. My generous friend had her truck returned and I was home and warm (I did change my clothes first thing).
That same generous friend had suggested that the sun would come out today though at the time that was a questionable call. As I finish this tale the sun is beaming into my window and in a second I will be opening the blinds.
I think I enjoy fall the most of all the seasons. There is the transitional weather that soars and swoops one day bluster the next one summer like. There is the changing colors and the bird migration. My back yard fills with eccentrics stopping by for a bite as they prep for the warmer climes of the south. I like the smells of wet leaves and mud.
This fall has provided an added feature that is a mixed blessing so to speak. It seems that every Saturday is a rainy day. It prevents me from getting some of my yard manicure done. I still have wilting tomato vines in the garden to pull and exterior painting to do. Today (Halloween), is also the end of daylight savings time. For the next 75 or so days, I will be coming home from work in the dark.
I also had to work on Saturday and Sunday which limited time on the yard and house; there was also a Saturday of car shopping; that normally onerous task is one that I try to only experience once every 10 years or so. This most recent event was not so bad though. I bought an older Toyota and am content with that.
I try to arrange for about a two hour walk on the weekend in addition to birding saunters. The rain has interfered with that a lot too. It really doesn't matter too much as I get as much exercise as I need (though I have to research good neck exercises because it seems I always have a creaky neck). Anyway life is as good as it ought to be.
During the fall I can make good use of my home office which is in the attic. I especially like it because it is large, and removed from the world. There is not much head space so I sit and read mostly. Right now I write this nearly in the dark as the windows here are few; it is another rainy Saturday too. It is pretty relaxing. I'm listening to an album by Airto Moreira (Homeless) and enjoying his South American mix of urban music and jungle sounds.
Another reason to like the fall and my attic solitude is that the microscopes are all here and the collection of insects found over the summer can be looked at intently and I can research their habits. E.O. Wilson suggested that all of us are inherently Natural Historians in our youth. Time, peers, assumed urgency, children, house payments are only a few of the things that redirect our curiosity. I am so glad to have re-discovered that curiosity during the last few years. I will never be more than an avid amateur at this but with the help of joy of discovery, writers like Fortey, Wilson or Heinrich (and many others); so many wonderful and informative web sites; and personally spending time in the midst of the natural world, I am satisfied.
Today's walk will be urban however. I am delivering goods to my daughter Hannah in Annapolis. I am spending the night there and delivering the borrowed truck back to its owner tomorrow morning. That reminds me of something else that I have rediscovered during the last few years. That is the importance of relying on friends. I spent 20 or more years trying to be as independent as possible; relying on friends only for fairly superficial things; far too often eschewing offers of assistance. It was as if availing myself on their largesse I would be somehow beholden to them. In fact I became beholden more to an empty sense of pride.
I've also come to realize the value of conversation. Simply sharing ideas with peers who may disagree with me but want to hear what I have to say as much as I want to listen to them. Good conversations way lay ideology and can get to the heart of ideas and beliefs. Years ago I stopped watching those news stations shoutfests that occur every Sunday. I have eschewed all of those Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly etc. screamers (after giving many of them several hours of my attention in order to get a feel for their ideas and styles) because they are not driven by anything but ideological propaganda. I rarely try to engage their adherents in any meaningful ways.
So there you have it, my thoughts this last day of October.
Addendum:
Here is the final story of that accident that I wrote about in early October. The saga lasted so long because well, it just did. So October 10 the accident occurred and I wrote about it. It created an outpouring of kind offers some of which I could accept and others while kind were redundant. One friend came to Pennsylvania to pick me up and deliver me to my home. Another loaned her truck for my transportation needs.
The use of the truck allowed me to travel back up to clean out the remains of my car. It also got me back and forth to the Light Rail and to go search for another car. Searching for that car was something I did not look forward to at all. It also was stalled by my having to work several late days and both days of one of those weekends that would have been devoted to finding that car.
Well, buying the car turned out to be less a horror story than it usually is for me. It took a long morning and fortunately I had a book with me to while away the dead time. So at the end of the second week of this tale, I had a car. I was anxious to return the truck but I had no time off of work to conveniently return it but my benefactor was in no hurry to have it back and so it finally was returned 3 weeks after the accident; that would be today.
Well my daughter’s mom became aware of my having this truck and that I was going to visit her daughter the same weekend that I was returning the vehicle. So she begged me to take these three 8-9 foot potted plants with me for our girl to decorate her apartment with. That seemed like a good idea until I actually did it. Plants that tall do not travel well in a pickup truck; they do less well in a 45 mile trip spent largely on the expressway; they do less well in a pounding rain. Same with me. Twice I had to get out and rearrange their spot in the truck, while it poured and I pouted.
Well the trees and I got their fine and wet and we got them to their locations with only moderate hassle and my daughter and I could go out for dinner. We enjoyed an evening of conversation along with one of her local friends. Then I went to bed at about 11pm and slept til 7am (more or less). This would be pretty close to a record for me. It continued to pour all night.
It continued to pour in the morning too but we needed coffee and we needed to walk her new Norwegian Elkhound. The dog is a fine mesh of polite and good house dog-eager to please, and youthful skittishness. The walk was wet and fine and the dog learned a bit about Annapolis. That being complete it was time to return the truck. In the pouring rain I drove the 15 miles to get it back.
We had planned to take a walk in a local park and despite the rain (it was less than “pouring” at that time). We went ahead and did that walk and returned damp but (as I was reminded, “We aren’t sugar and we will not melt”) and it was true. Once that was complete I was given a ride to the Light Rail where I waited with about one million Baltimore Ravens fans ready for their ride to the stadium. I got to my destination much quicker than I imagined and was standing in the rain at the Baltimore stop one hour earlier than my scheduled pickup.
A few hours earlier while on my park walk, we discussed whether the distance from the Light Rail stop and my home was walkable. I said that it was 4 or so miles distance was not a reasonable walk and she concurred. While I stood at the stop knowing that I would be standing for an hour I elected to try the walk. It would be about an hour anyway so while getting wet, my options were passive (sit and wait) or active (walk home). I chose active and took off. It gave me the ability to walk on the periphery of my own favorite park where I was able to see the raging stream brought on by about 36 hours of rain.
I learned a few things in this trek; things I did not see while driving the same path every day for many years. I learned that the hills, valleys and swales of the route are much easier to do while sitting in a car than when hiking. It is considerably drier in the comfort of a car than exposed to nature on foot. I learned that there are not so many sidewalks and that cars are driven far faster than necessary and that you do not get splashed when inside of a vehicle. All that really doesn’t matter because I was not going to call a cab. I was there to experience the walk home and was sort of stoically enjoying it.
One hour and 8 minutes later I was home. It was good to be there for sure but I was glad that I did the experiment in fairly harsh conditions. It was a personal thing and certainly was not noble or heroic. I have walked much harder and longer paths sans problems. I was glad to have done it anyway.
Once home I realized that the last leg of the accident saga was over. My generous friend had her truck returned and I was home and warm (I did change my clothes first thing).
That same generous friend had suggested that the sun would come out today though at the time that was a questionable call. As I finish this tale the sun is beaming into my window and in a second I will be opening the blinds.
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